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stalled

knitting

Originally uploaded by martha mosquito

This is one of many things I am stalled on.

I started knitting this blanket before the birth of a baby who is a year older than Little B. Blogging, menu planning/cooking, cleaning the house… all of these are things that I just can’t seem to find the time for in this new landscape post baby and post promotion. Between the baby and the promotion I struggle to get through the basics each week and it’s starting to take it’s toll.

At some point I need to really re-evaluate even the basics and figure out what I need to make time for in order to maintain some level of sanity and what I need to push off the plate completely. I’m still somehow hoping to be able to accomplish far more than can fit in a 24 hour day.

My goal for this coming week is to be more gentle with myself and try to be somewhat reasonable about what I expect myself to accomplish. We’ll see how that goes.

How time flies

Current schedule:

3 or 4 am -wake to baby fussing, bring baby into bed to snack

5:45 am – wake up, nudge the missus to feed the baby, snooze for 15 more minutes

6 am – 7:15 am get up, feed cats, pour coffee, start oatmeal in rice cooker, drink coffee, ready bottles and other necessities for daycare, shower, change diaper, drink coffee, sit down for oatmeal (mamas) and rice cereal (Little B – she’s not really into it yet but we’re working on it), clean up baby, put baby down for nap

7:15 – 8:15 am – say goodbye to the missus, finish getting ready, check personal email, read a few blogs online, check work email to prepare for day, pack my bag

8:15 – finish getting dressed, wake baby, change diaper, love on baby, dress baby

8:30-8:45 – out of the house to take Little B to daycare and on to work.

9-10 – commute

10 am – 6 pm – Work email work meetings work email lunch work email coffee meetings email work meetings

6 – 7 pm – commute home, longer if running errands

7 pm – pause day for a moment to admire the beautiful sleeping baby….

7-10 pm – help make dinner, eat dinner, wash dishes, wash bottles, start packing daycare bag, pack lunches, wash dishes, make coffee, feed cats, tidy kitchen, pick baby outfit for next day, chill a bit with the wife, get ready for bed

10 – 11 pm – read in bed, go to sleep

Rinse and repeat with slight variations depending on the day – like sometimes laundry needs to happen between 7 and 10, sometimes other household chores need to find their way in. And of course, this is all the ideal. The real often has us crawling into bed at 10:45 with a mere 15 minutes before final bedtime. If we don’t get to sleep by 11 or so, all bets are off for the next day. 10 is ideal but just doesn’t seem to happen.

That’s my excuse for not finding time to blog. Anyone want to come take care of our household for a day? A week? Pay for a cook, housekeeper and nanny?

And we’re off

The new stage of this adventure is now in progress.

I returned to work originally just 2 weeks after Little B. joined us in this world. I worked for 10 weeks and now, for 12 wonderful weeks, I’ve gone to work about one day a week. A couple weeks it was one and a half, a couple weeks it was none. But still, this morning feels totally different from all those other mornings I’ve gone in because this time I don’t get to console myself that I’ll be home with her tomorrow. I look ahead and sometimes all I can see is how much more disciplined we’ll need to be with my time at home to get everything done every night and on the weekends – washing all the bottles, packing her daycare bag, keeping us all well fed.

The missus and I are stretching our work hours – she’s going earlier and I’m going later – so that little B has to be at daycare for a little bit less time each day. But that means less time together and early mornings. Hopefully we’ll figure out a regular routine fairly quickly and will settle into it.

It’s also hard because next week I have to go away for four nights and the missus will be a pseudo-single mom for those 5 days. I’m not quite sure how to prep us for that – obviously there are many things I can’t do in advance (washing all the bottles, etc) but I’m working to figure out what I can do to make that time a bit less stressful for her. Luckily two of the days are weekend days which means she won’t have the daycare prep and work to worry about. Anyone out there have tips for either of us on how to handle this first foray into parenting when the partner is away?

And now I must quit procrastinating, finish getting myself ready, wake that beautiful little one from her nap and get us out the door.

Giggles and gummy smiles

On Monday I head back to the world of full time work, leaving little B in daycare all day long, every day of the week. Today is a bittersweet day – the last full day we’ll spend together. I’m on an emotional roller-coaster and she is either cranky and tired or picking up on my emotional instability. Sigh.

I alternate between marinating in the joy and love I feel looking at her, seeing her gummy smile and making her giggle and dwelling on the sad fact that these days are over. Sure I’ll have a day here and there when I’m home with her but it’ll be different. Add in a healthy dose of guilt because I don’t think I could hack it as a totally stay at home mom and there you have my roller coaster.

Additional issues – my work situation is not the ideal. I love the idea of my job and the work that I do but am really frustrated by some things. That’s all I’ll say about that.

So… that’s where I am today. Here. Now. Trying not to dwell on next week.

Serial napping

I’m nearing the end of my maternity leave. I’m feeling a bit frustrated about the fact that I did end up doing so much work but I’m so blessed to have had this chance to be home with this little angel for so much time. I dream of having a shorter work week or more flexible scheduling but that isn’t a reality right now.

Work will come soon enough… Today my day is consumed with serial napping. Awake at 6:30, sleeping at 8, awake at 9, sleeping at 10:15, awake at 11, sleeping at 1, awake at 2, sleeping at 3:30… and it sounds like maybe awake again now at 4. …. so much for a detailed post.

Good friends are

People you can invite over for tea and cookies and they stay for 3 hours and you chat and barely recognize the time passing.

People you tidy for but you know that they wouldn’t judge you or care if they saw your mess (and you’re comfortable letting that mess hang out in front of them).

People you talk about taking joint vacations with, the ones you plan together with about how your kids are going to be best friends, the ones you could drop in on anytime to say hi.

People with whom you can talk about wills and life insurance and horrible names you could inflict on your children.

People with whom you can sit in silence.

People you can see after two days or two years and not feel like any time has passed.

Good friends are the people in life who make it all worth it. I’m thankful for all of the good friends in our lives.

Legality and Inequality

I have a vague memory of going to court when I was about nine with my parents, my older sister and my little brother. I don’t think my older brother was there but can’t actually remember. The memory is still there, I think, mostly because it was a variation from the regular routine and because I was told it was important. It was the day that my little brother became legally my little brother.

I’m not sure how many months he’d been living with us at that point but to me, he was already my little brother – obnoxious, fun, and everything that a little brother is. Aside….He was not what I had expected when I told the social worker I was looking forward to a little sibling who would do whatever I told him. She must have had siblings and been laughing inside when I said that. And for the record, I’m glad he didn’t do everything I told him because that would have been no fun, though he might not have had a broken pinky that one time. Anyway…

So to me, the court date was a marker of something that was already true.

Why am I telling you about this now?

Because a court date is approaching. Mid-week next week I will legally become Little B’s mom. Well, it’s actually a bit more complicated than that. The missus and I got married legally shortly before the wee one arrived (shotgun wedding with her HUGE belly along for the ride) in Connecticut. This great city recognizes that marriage so according to them we could go and get a copy of her birth certificate with both of our names on it and badaboom legal mom. Only problem is that our marriage isn’t recognized in a lot of states and so my rights wouldn’t have been recognized there. (When, you ask, well usually it’s only something that people find out about in the most important of situations like sicknesses and hospitals.) So, being the new moms we are we not only have been spending money on diapers and wipes but also sending large checks somewhat regularly to a wonderful lawyer who has guided us through the process of creating wills and the adoption of our child. (Yes, sounds wrong, doesn’t it. She’s ours, she lives with us yet we need to adopt her.) Sigh.

Next week at the court date there will be a brief moment between when the judge signs one piece of paper (taking away all the missus’ rights as Little B’s parent) and signs another (granting us both equal status as parents). In that instant (oh please let it be quick) our darling one is technically a ward of the state. Why, you may ask? It’s because, as our lawyer so kindly explained to us, this state’s adoption laws haven’t been re-written since the 1950′s and assume that one parent is giving all rights to a new couple. Ah yes, loopholes in a law from 60 years ago is allowing me to become my daugther’s mom.

It’s all feeling a bit ludicrous but also overwhelmingly wonderful that finally, FINALLY, this process will be over. I won’t have to be reminded every time we have to talk to anyone about this situation that in the eyes of the law I am not equal. In the eyes of the country, we are not a family… Sigh.

But for this little ear, for this little being – anything.

Do you hear me? Originally uploaded by martha mosquito

Ice cream and dreams

When I was young and used to have trouble sleeping I used to build an imaginary GIANT ice cream cone. It defied the laws of what can fit in my stomach and how many scoops you can get on a cone but I can think hard about what flavors should go next to what and rearrange. The trick is to keep making myself think back to the beginning scoop and listing the order of them.. Last night it was vanilla, strawberry, chocolate, banana, butter pecan… and that’s as far as I got because I did so much rearranging of flavors. I’m not totally satisfied with the order of flavors now that I type them out but it’ll have to wait until another sleepless night… (And thanks to Statia for the post that made me think of this this afternoon)
What’s your secret?
P.S. Does anyone know why some blog entries are showing up without text for me? Help!

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